Not Today!

It is Thursday morning and I want to be all about efficiency today.  It feels like Tuesday to me, as we said our final goodbyes to my father in law, Jim earlier this week. Since he went into hospice, 10 days ago, I have simply been surviving.  Multiple phone calls and e-mails to family members and friends about his health, meetings with the funeral home and the priest, house cleaning for guests, and grocery shopping so we could feed guests were among the myriad of tasks that have absorbed the last few days.

I have greeted and grieved with family and friends and prayed for the strength to make it though these days. I haven’t slept well, and know that I haven’t spent the time I need to with God to identify and recognize the avalanche of blessings that have been showered on our families in the past few days,  because of the incredibly generosity of Jim’s life.

I arose at 5:00 this morning to begin my day, because I had determined that it is time to “get back to normal”.  At 6:30, I was at daily mass and as I bowed my head in prayer, I asked God to make me efficient today.  My prayer was something like, “Lord, I am so far behind and have so much writing to do.  Let me write quickly and efficiently so that I can check things off my list.”  I barely said the prayer when I had this vivid image of God the Father shaking his wise head no.  His answer was something like, “No my child.  Efficiency is not what you will get today, because it is not what you need.”

I raised my head and smiled at the crucifix as I realized that efficiency is not what I need today.  I thanked God for this blessing and spent some extra time in prayer after the Eucharistic celebration asking Him to give me what I need. 

This encounter reminded me that what I need most is to lean on Him and let Him lead me though my days.  And I realize that this is one of the blessings that I have received over the past week, although I believed I was in survival mode, I was allowing Him to guide my actions. 

As I complete this writing, I can only smile, almost giggle at His great love for this imperfect soul, who is so pleased to be finished with this post, because it is something that I can check off my list!