A Birthday Reflection

               Today, I turn 56 years old.  I shake my head and wonder how it can be that my life is advancing so quickly.  Last year, turning 55 felt shocking as it seemed like I had just turned 50 and that meant that I would be 60 before I knew it.  So how have I changed in the past year?

               Slowing the pace of the day – Although the weeks and months continue to fly by at a rapid pace, I find pleasure and joy in the average moments of each day.  Whether it is a conversation with my husband, something my son tells me, a few minutes catching up with a friend or time to ponder a prayer from the mass or office, I find myself appreciating these everyday encounters.  And while I still enjoy looking forward to celebration of big holidays and vacations, I am finding more joy in daily life.

               Wanting less and feeling like I have more – This past year has brought to me an urgency to simplify my life by divesting myself of so much of the “stuff” that we have accumulated.  Even before we made the decision to move, I wanted to sell the large house we own and find a smaller place to live.  That will now happen as we make the move to Missouri in 2015.  Now, I am finding that I want to fill that empty guest room.  We have the space, so how can we share the space with others?

               Accepting the inevitability of aging – Rather than aggressively combating the aging process, I’m happy to find peace in it.  I desire to take better care of my body and to be active.  That occasional nagging in my knee or ache in my hands helps to remind me that this is not my true home.

               Carpe Diem – Finding new adventures and taking risks is a surprising twist in this middle aged life.  I expected things to be fairly routine and perhaps boring in my 50s.  Instead, I find that God has me filling my brain with philosophy and theology that I missed in my formal education.  He has me stretching out my hands in ways that I would not have imagined a few years ago.  Seizing the day is the routine activity!

               In my 56^th year, I have found peace and growth, both due to my increased love for God.  Through His sacraments, especially Eucharist and Confession, I find that the Holy Spirit is able to guide me and that I am more willing to follow His precepts. Pope Francis recently remarked that the Sacraments are not magic, but frequent reception of communion and use of reconciliation has incrementally changed me into a woman who cannot live without God.

              

               What more could I asked on my 56^th birthday?

It's Just the Next Step

                During the past year, I have had a regular confessor.  I wasn’t particularly looking for one.  Then, one day at the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in DC, I entered the confessional and the counsel that I received from the priest was so completely on target, that I would have thought that he had known me for some time. 

                A few weeks after that encounter, I learned of his confession schedule and began to go every other Sunday to “Mary’s House” to confess my sins to the Lord and receive His counsel though Fr. Bob.  Over the months, Fr. Bob spoke often of the gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit - sometimes asking me to listen for those subtle nudges and sometimes pointing out the times when I followed the Spirit’s direction.

                The greatest benefit in going to him regularly, is that he challenges me in various areas of my life.  His words are not judgmental or harsh, but he asks me to consider my actions in the context for God’s love for me and for the world.  I found my definition of sin changing from what I did “wrong” to what I have done (or not done) that is not pleasing to God.

                Often, the penance I received focused on the Our Father. Rather than simply saying the Our Father, he would ask me to concentrate on a particular phrase of this powerful prayer.  Over the past year, my understanding of and joy in praying the Our Father has increased drastically due to focusing on phrases such as “Thy will be done” and “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed against us” .

                 It has become our habit to talk for a few moments after absolution, if there wasn’t a line.  So in addition to being my confessor, Fr. Bob provided spiritual direction.  On Palm Sunday, after receiving absolution, he said, “our time together is coming to an end”.  I certainly wasn’t prepared for this comment, since this routine of regular confession has become an important part of my spiritual growth.          

                I learned that he is leaving Washington DC for a position in another part of the country.  His Ph. D., earned from Catholic University last year, will be put to tremendous use in this new position. Intellectually, I am thrilled for this opportunity for him and for the Church. Yet, I left the Shrine, one week before Easter, feeling sad, and a little abandoned.

                After prayer and consideration, I have put this loss of this Holy man of God into context.  And realize that it is time for him to take the next step and the same can be said for me.  Perhaps it means finding another regular confessor or perhaps the Spirit will guide me through a variety for priests.  It does not mean giving up my regular, comfortable schedule of celebrating the sacrament of Confession.  I need to be open to listening for that nudge that will help me take the next step in the right direction.

                Isn’t that what he asks me to do everyday!

God's Loving Care

This month, my women’s Bible Study group is reading and discussing prayer.  One of the questions in the workbook asked us to discuss a time when we were especially aware of God’s loving care.  While there are a number of times in my life that this was evident, one particular time is above all.

Two years ago, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer.  Before she began treatment, the cancer had metastasised to the brain.  For three and a half months, my siblings and I walked with my mom on her last journey on earth.

I would imagine that the death of a parent is never easy. Not only was I sad to know that I was going to lose her, but I was angry because she had been a lifetime smoker and had not taken care of herself.  For me, this would mean that I would be an orphan, as my dad died in 1986.

Before my first trip back to Michigan, I went to confession.   Entering the confessional, not knowing what I wanted to confess, the Holy Spirit, along with the confessor, led me to understand that it was selfishness that I needed to confess.  So many of my concerns had to do with me (i.e. How was my 12 year old son going to react? How much was this going to cost me in expense and in time? How would this affect my family? ) in spite of the fact that I knew my mom was terribly afraid of death.  This was the first step in God’s loving care for me in those anxious, heartbreaking days.

From the beginning, I reached out to many who knew me and asked for their prayers.  On days when I didn’t think I could hurt any more, I knew that I was being held aloft by the prayers of others.  I made four trips back to Michigan.  Many precious, poignant memories are burnt into my brain from those days between February and June - too many to recount here.

Through God’s loving care, I was able to help my mom come to terms with the end of her life on earth, as I came to understand the beauty of a happy death.  God’s love helped me to be stronger than I ever thought I could be.  As I attend mass in Michigan, it was as if God was speaking to me through the celebrants, showing me his great love for my family and me.

As I was preparing to come home from one visit, I asked my brother to take a picture of my mom and me.  Her hair had begun to fall out from the cancer treatments, and I was certain that this would be the last good photo of us.  He snapped one picture, and then Mom spontaneously leaned over to kiss me on the cheek and I giggled.  That moment, captured digitally, is a visual sign of God’s loving care during those dark months in 2010.