Storms

An earthquake on Tuesday and a rain/wind weather event from Hurricane Irene on Saturday.  It has been an eventful weather week in the DC area.  During the past 24 hours, I don’t think I’ve had a conversation that hasn’t referenced the storm.  The news media has done nothing except play on our human fears, causing people to buy far more water, batteries and peanut butter than they will need in the coming year.  (I’m just thankful that they didn’t know the earthquake was coming.)

However, another event, with only a local impact, will most likely affect my life more than either of these events over the next months.  On Friday, I learned that a parish member, who has several young children, has ovarian cancer.  While we hear about all types of cancer in the news and are bombarded with requests to support cancer research, somehow when someone I know is diagnosed, cancer is spelled with a capital “C”.  Having lost my grandma, for whom I was named, and both parents to cancer, the news evokes all kinds of emotions. 

It makes me realize that it is time to get on my knees and pray for this family, as well as offer assistance with things like transportation, childcare and meals.  The forecasters of the outcome of this storm will not be meteorologists, but a variety of oncologists and their colleagues.   Family and friends at times will feel helpless, but those who trust in Christ and ask, “His will be done”, will not be hopeless.  Whatever the outcome of this storm, the suffering endured will create many blessings. 

When I think of the event of the past week, I realize that I must trust in Jesus.   No matter how unexpected or frightening the storm, I must believe that He knows what He is doing.  No matter how sorrowful or joyful the event, it is what I need at this moment.  Even when I would rather not hunker down, waiting for Irene to arrive or to hear of the illness of a friend, there is a reason for the event.

On this Monday morning, the weather forecast is for sunny, clear skies for the next few days.  The effects of the earthquake and Irene will soon be forgotten.  My fellow parish member and her family are adjusting to the unexpected news and assessing the next steps.  It is trust in our great and mighty Lord that will take us through this day and beyond. 

For Better or For Worse

Three weeks ago today, my husband walked me down the hall from his father’s hospice room to the elevator.  I had brought his mom to the hospital in the morning and spent a good part of the day with the two of them.  His dad was in renal failure and we knew his time on earth was short.  My husband was spending the night in his dad’s room and then I would take the early shift on Friday morning.

We walked the hushed hall as we watched health care professionals moving quietly from room to room taking care of their patients, sometimes speaking quietly to family members.  We whispered about what the afternoon and evening would bring. Would our 14-year-old son want to come visit his grandfather again, or would he want to remember his last handshake and smile from his granddad two days ago?  We needed to know if his mom wanted to see his dad before his body was taken to the funeral home if he died without her in the hospital.  Who did we need to call to give an update on his father’s condition? The list seemed to go on and on.

We reached the elevator and my husband gave me a huge hug and kiss.  He thanked me for all that I have done for his family as he hugged me tightly. I kissed him again and he headed down the hallway.  Before he took his third step, I called his name, shrugged and said, “For better or worse, right?”

How those words have echoed in my mind in the past three weeks.  The quiet of waiting for dad to pass was like a restful respite that turned into a flurry of activity after his father died less than a day after that conversation.  Calling friends and relatives to let them know that this great man had passed into his eternal rest, making final funeral arrangements, confirming with family and friends their travel arrangements,   cleaning house and finding time to grieve filled ours days immediately after his death.

My husband and I seemed to spend little time together, we divided the duties, and each helped to take care of his mom, brothers, uncles and our son.  The funeral mass was a needed time to pray and heal. The wake was a great time of celebration of a well-lived life.

Since that day, I had a serious fall and thought I might have broken a rib, we hosted Dave’s niece and children and showed them the great sites of Washington, Baltimore and Philadelphia, experienced a 5.8 earthquake and sent our son off to high school.

Last night, we finally took some time to sit and talk about all that has happened this month.  As I crawled into bed, I thought, “for better or for worse”, that is what makes our marriage so strong.  Certainly, I did not fully understand those words when I spoke them nearly 17 years ago. I am thankful that we are able to live them each day.    

My Heart is Restless

It has been a hectic and emotional August for my family.  On August 1^st, we learned that my father in law’s kidneys had worn out.  Dialysis was not an option and this funny, strong, loving man was transferred into hospice care for the remaining days of his life.  Jim and Dave’s mom had been living with us for the past two years, so he was a member of our immediate family. 

His death on August 5^th, and burial and wake on the 9^th created a whirlwind of activity: planning, praying, cleaning, hosting out of town family members and grieving.   On Tuesday morning, I awoke after a restless night of sleep, feeling spent.  As I opened my eyes and rolled over in bed, at the 5:30 am alarm, I was very tempted to close my eyes and go to sleep.  But, if I wanted to celebrate the Eucharist today, I had to make the 6:30 morning mass.

With all of the chaos, my prayer life had been inconsistent and I hadn’t journaled in several days.  I had misplaced my daily prayer book, so I reached for my phone , found the daily office site and prayed the morning prayers to begin my day.

On the drive to church, I listened to a CD of songs by Beata, a group of young women whom I had babysat more than 15 years ago.  The fourth song is St. Augustine’s prayer.  I was humming that song as I entered the church just as mass was beginning:  My heart searches restlessly and finds no rest ‘til it rests in Thee.

 It was the feast day of St. Stephen, a  King of Hungry.  The priest’s homily focused on the difference that his life made for the people of Hungry both in the past and today.  And that each one of our lives can make a difference. Certainly a thought worth pondering.

I found a quiet in the prayers of the liturgy and after mass, settled down to pray about today’s readings.  But the prayer of St. Augustine continued to replay itself in my mind: My ceaseless longings hid the deeper truth and  in all my desirings, I was desiring you. 

Of course, I thought with a sense of relief.  That is the answer.  My days had been spent in activity and I had not found time to simply be in the presence of God.  My restless night’s sleep might have been more peaceful if I had just turned my thoughts to the Lord, instead of being worried about what the morning would bring.

As I end my day, I am taking some extra time to read a couple of my favorite chapters of Luke and to just be in His presence.  St. Augustine really did have it right, unless that God shaped hole is filled, I am restless.  “Oh Seeker you sought for me. Your love has found me I am taken by Thee.”

 Word in italics are from a song titled the Prayer of St. Augustine.  I cannot find an attribute to credit.

Not Today!

It is Thursday morning and I want to be all about efficiency today.  It feels like Tuesday to me, as we said our final goodbyes to my father in law, Jim earlier this week. Since he went into hospice, 10 days ago, I have simply been surviving.  Multiple phone calls and e-mails to family members and friends about his health, meetings with the funeral home and the priest, house cleaning for guests, and grocery shopping so we could feed guests were among the myriad of tasks that have absorbed the last few days.

I have greeted and grieved with family and friends and prayed for the strength to make it though these days. I haven’t slept well, and know that I haven’t spent the time I need to with God to identify and recognize the avalanche of blessings that have been showered on our families in the past few days,  because of the incredibly generosity of Jim’s life.

I arose at 5:00 this morning to begin my day, because I had determined that it is time to “get back to normal”.  At 6:30, I was at daily mass and as I bowed my head in prayer, I asked God to make me efficient today.  My prayer was something like, “Lord, I am so far behind and have so much writing to do.  Let me write quickly and efficiently so that I can check things off my list.”  I barely said the prayer when I had this vivid image of God the Father shaking his wise head no.  His answer was something like, “No my child.  Efficiency is not what you will get today, because it is not what you need.”

I raised my head and smiled at the crucifix as I realized that efficiency is not what I need today.  I thanked God for this blessing and spent some extra time in prayer after the Eucharistic celebration asking Him to give me what I need. 

This encounter reminded me that what I need most is to lean on Him and let Him lead me though my days.  And I realize that this is one of the blessings that I have received over the past week, although I believed I was in survival mode, I was allowing Him to guide my actions. 

As I complete this writing, I can only smile, almost giggle at His great love for this imperfect soul, who is so pleased to be finished with this post, because it is something that I can check off my list!